It has been awhile since I blogged, but I had such a profound experience tonight, I just had to share it. I honestly think it may have changed me forever.
I am in St. George on vacation until tomorrow morning, and when I was planning my trip, my sister Susie told me that this documentary film festival was starting at Tuacahn. My nephew happens to work at Tuacahn, and he got us $10 tickets to the opening documentary tonight. As an added bonus, the documentary was about none other than Mr. Las Vegas himself, Wayne Newton! And, Wayne Newton was there to perform his greatest hits!
Greatest hits! Wayne Newton! What could be better? The answer to that question should lead an average person to another question which is "Wayne Newton has hits?" After tonight, I know the answer to that question, and the answer is no, no he does not.
The thing that Wayne does have is Wayniacs. Yep, he has groupies and they are called the Wayniacs. They go to his shows and laugh at this jokes. And that is saying something. He spent at least 15 minutes talking about Viagra and condoms. Ick. This has to be the last thing I want to hear an old, toupeed, spray tanned man talk about. Still trying to erase this from my memory.
There was a woman sitting in front of me who really loved Wayne. She was hysterical when he came out on stage....riding a horse. She kept saying to her daughter...Its Wayne! and he's riding a horse! Its not like he was jumping through hoops of fire on his horse or anything, yet she was still so excited. I think she wished she was closer, because there may have been some undergarments she wanted to throw onto the stage.
A serious Wayniac in a sparkley red sweater walked up to the stage with flower for Wayne. He was quite delighted, and so he pulled her up onto stage, and I kid you not, they started kissing. Not like a kiss on the cheek, but like one step away from making out. Making out with Wayne Newton. Gross. Even if you are 75. Maybe she was a paid extra in the show. Why else would she put herself through that?
At around 10:45 my sister and I decided we had had enough, but then Wayne started singing one of Ferris Buellers greatest hits....Danke Shoen. Apparently he sang it first, but I think Ferris Bueller sang it better. Immediately after, we beelined it out of there. And so did about 50% (possibly 75%) of the remaining audience.
I leared a few things about Wayne Newton tonight. He has many dear, dear friends including, but not limited to, Senator Harry Reid, seven Presidents of the United States, the entire Rat Pack, Elvis Presley, the mayor of Las Vegas,a POW from the Vietnam War, and Lucille Ball. He cannot sing. Not even a little bit. He can play the violin. I am willing to pay $10 to see him if it comes with two free snowcones and a free order of roasted almonds. In order for me to stay any longer, it would have taken free dinner and a $3 refund.
I kind of feel like Tuacahn should have gotten my email address when I bought the tickets. That way, they could email me an apology for the worst entertainment I have ever sat through.